for some reason i just don’t compute with social media. or with people on social media. i am either too blunt or too subtle. either way it seems that i end up hurting people or pushing their buttons in ways i never intended. it is discouraging. it makes me feel insecure and odd – even in the autistic community. there are unwritten rules everywhere – ‘do this’, ‘don’t do that’, ‘do this, but not that way’, ‘do that, and do it the right way’ – it is infuriating, confusing and depressing. it is also scary. of course i won’t agree with everybody i meet, and some wont agree with me. it is all those unwritten rules – ‘remember, you are with us now – have to do it the way we do it’. yes. i read the rules. ‘not those rules, the other rules’ – what other rules? ‘the rules we are not telling you about’. OK – so even in the autistic community there are rules that are hidden, unspoken. and i am somehow supposed know them through some sort of secret radio waves? my receiver isn’t pinging me, so it must be broken. and right now i feel very much alone and lonely. i wonder when my receiver will be repaired.
my special interest is studying and talking about “torah, talmud and (jewish)theology”. not many, if any, on fb has that special interest. yesterday was a day when i felt extremely lonely in this (i always feel lonely in this, but yesterday was extreme). i said to a friend:
“if only my special interest had been trains (like a normal aspie) or britney spears (like a normal gay aspie). no, no, i had to pick torah… which no normal yid cares about as long as a rabbi doesn’t tell them they can’t eat chinese on xmas. i tried joining other torah groups on fb, but most of them are either militant orthodox or wishy-washy renewal. in the first kind i know too little and in the second kind i either know too much or am ‘too jewish’.”
it is true, i feel lonely. i have always felt lonely, on the outside looking in – i have never had a group of my equals to share my special interest with. it is painful.
in real life i do not have any friends. except my wife. some 10-12 years ago i was told that if i was always the one calling and initiating social stuff, the relationship(s) were imbalanced and unequal. so i stopped calling the few friends i had, to give them a chance to reciprocate. they never did. even people who claimed i was part of their family, said they loved me, never called me once in those 10-12 years. the only person who ever gave me any explanation was the one i had been friends with the longest – “you are too much”, he said.
too much what?
i don’t know, and i am not likely to ever know. yes, i am bitter, and i am lonely. and confused.
apart from the home assistance team that comes around twice a week to help me clean and a paid personal contact whom i meet once a month i have no social connections in real life.