i am not ready to make nice

Tags

aggressions, denial, denigration, emotional threats, neurotypical abuse, physical threats, respect

so another aspie came in and respectfully asked me to bow out and leave the discussion to her – i acquiesced. no need for two people pounding on the same neurotypical skull  😀. but i can feel inside me how i am not ready to make nice – but i also see that it is not this specific neurotypical it is about – it is a rather long life full of neurotypicals. i can explain to you how i work, what makes me tick, what makes me happy, sad, anxious, stressed out; what makes me go into overload, what triggers my cPTSD and melt-downs – but you can never understand what it means on an emotional, physical, mental, social and spiritual level to be autistic me. you cannot understand what it means when you call my special interests an ‘obsession’ or ‘fixation’ instead of ‘hobby’. or what it does to me when you call my melt-downs ‘tantrums’. nor can you ever understand in what ways it harms and hurts me when you say things like ‘we are all a little autistic’ or ‘we are all on the spectrum’. it is not any fault of yours. we are different you and i. i have no idea how it is to be neurotypical you. still, i do not talk about you or to you in demeaning  or diminishing terms.

i am willing to admit that i have no clue what it means to be neurotypical. still, i am willing to treat you with respect. i do not see the same willingness in you. i do not see the same respect in your treatment of me. i see demands that i adapt to your world on your terms. i see subtle and not so subtle aggressions in the form of eye-rolling, sighs, glares, micro-aggressive body language whenever i fail to fit into your neurotypical mold. i hear your veiled threats of social punishment of, emotional withdrawal from and intellectual denial of autistic me whenever i interact with you and fail to fit into your neurotypical idea of ‘acceptable’.

i feel, see and hear the slight tone of condescension in your voice the moment i tell you i am autistic. you try to cover it, you try to cover the small movements of truth in your face as you feign an interest, a patience, a tolerance or an acceptance you do not feel. you do not think i can see, feel or hear this, because what you think you know about me you have not learned from me. you read them in a book, or in article online, written by someone who is not autistic.

i see a world full of neurotypicals who have absolutely no interest in autistic me. a world of neurotypicals who daily and hourly subject me to aggressions, denigration, denial, threats to my person, threats to my soul and my spirit. a world of neurotypicals who silently accept when other neurotypicals subject me to abuse and other forms of violence.

and you say you do not understand why i am angry and not ready to make nice?