shopping

Tags

anger, anxiety, confusion, sensory overload

today is shopping-day

act I

anxiety-anger-fear-panic

smells – too many smells

sounds – too loud

touch – dont!

clothes – itches

proximity – too close, move!

lights – burns my eyes

people – too many

crowded – cant breathe

voices – stop talking

music – hate music

everything chafes – everything is sweaty and cold

no focus – can’t

too much focus – mustn’t

time limit – hurry – only have 2 hours

thoughts too fast

thoughts too slow

no thoughts

too many thoughts

anxiety-anger-fear-panic

act II

too tired

too angry

too anxious

too thoughty

to pack away

groceries

 

daily life

Tags

anger, fear, panic, sensory overload

Everything smells too much
– including myself
Everything chafes
– my shirt
– ‎my pants
– ‎my shoes
– ‎my shoelaces
– ‎my hat
– ‎my wedding band
– ‎my earphones
– ‎my jacket
– ‎my glasses
– ‎my beard
– ‎my nose
– ‎sweat on my skin
The contents of my pockets are
unevenly distributed
The over-head lights are too bright
– despite sunglasses
– ‎despite looking down
Everything is too loud
– people talking to each other
– ‎people talking on the phone
– ‎the AC
– ‎the coffee machine
– ‎chairs scraping on the floor
– ‎clothes rustling as people walk by
– ‎the dishwasher
– ‎the water faucet running
– ‎the door opening and closing
– the city itself
My thoughts are too fast
My thoughts are too slow
My thoughts run in staccato
The conversation we are having
tunes in and out
what you are saying
makes no sense
I cannot focus
I focus too much
Anxiety washing through me
like a ravenous beast
stealing my last thought
Fear
Anger
Panic
rinse and repeat
Minutely, hourly, daily, monthly, yearly, year after year

some days…

Tags

anger, grumpiness, taking responsibility

…i am not fit for human consumption. i wake up grumpy, angry and irritable. things that wouldn’t faze me any other day, sends me off into snapping, screaming, exaggerating my own importance, and eventually blaming everyone else for everything, including my bad mood, my reactions and expressions of that bad mood.

this is not right.  this is wrong. this hurts me and it hurts those around me.

other people are not responsible for how i feel or react – i am. other people have not deserved that i unload my ‘crabby bear’ on them. they are innocent bystanders, and ‘collateral’ doesn’t work in real life – if i wake up with a grievance against life, it is my responsibility to make sure that others are not made to pay for this. my responsibility, no-one else’s.

i have adhd, and part of that means having bad impulse control. i know this. knowledge is power. this means that i can acknowledge that i woke up ‘crabby bear’, and either deal with the reason i am grumpy, angry and irritable or make sure other people are not hit by my bad temper. this also means that when i fail to contain the fall-out of my grumpiness,  i acknowledge my failure, apologize and try to mend any broken souls i ‘left on the battlefield’.

“but i didn’t know people would be hurt…” – bullshit.

pure horseshit.

if i wake up in ‘crabby bear mode’ i have to assume that anything i say or do in direct response to others carry a crabby, angry, irritable taint.

why? because it is human nature. it is human psychology 101. any emotions i harbor at any given moment will carry over in my voice, my words, my general language and be picked up by the person(s) around me.

“but…why would others be hurt, it’s just words and emotions…?”

that too is human psychology 101. snapping, screaming, exaggerating my own importance, and eventually blaming everyone else for everything, including my bad mood, my reactions and expressions of that bad mood hurts others, regardless of what i think my intentions are, regardless of whether i am aware that i am grumpy, angry and irritable. that is how humans work.

feelings

Tags

anger, angst, anxiety, fear, feelings, happiness, love, sadness

there are only a few ‘real’ feelings. sad. angry. happy. scared. love. all other emotions are mixtures of those five.

that was what my 12 step sponsor told me. she was right.

i am a bundle of feelings. anxiety is not the right word – the word angst comes closer as it encompasses inner turmoil. sure i have bouts with anxiety. every time i have to leave my home. go by bus. go by train. that i can some times override.

the inner turmoil on the other hand. cannot override that. that constant flow of emotions all jumbled together. never just sad or angry or happy or scared or loving. always. i guess that is why i always have to THINK before answering the question “how do you feel?” yet i cannot be certain exactly what i feel, because i feel all of it all the time.

rage

Tags

anger, emotion, rage, self-defense

i do not get angry. i fill with rage. this used to be a problem for me. i would throw things. scream. kick in doors. fight. until i realized why – i did not know any other way to respond to the sensation of being extremely threatened. yes. that is how i felt most of the time – THREATENED – i still do.

however, now i have another way of dealing with it. i walk the other way. even if i have adhd and asperger’s, i do have a choice. in that split second before my emotion runs amok i can recognize what is coming and turn away from the person or situation that is threatening to me.