does anyone read

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Books1…this blog? yes i know i have 12 followers, but i do not have vary many hits/day, and not many comments. i also see that people ‘like’ when i post links to each entry every day, but does that mean they actually READ each entry (i do know that one person actually takes the time to go and like each post on the actual page – for that i am grateful)?

am i writing this blog just for me, or do i have an audience, who consider it worthwhile? no human being exists in a vacuum, in fact in vacuum we implode – our brains are boiled to hardened charcoal, and we die. to me blogging is like having a conversation with people. and at the moment i feel like i am talking to either thin air or to a wall. i want to influence people, i want to have people think, and respond to what i say – and right now i am pretty sure that apart from one single reader, no one cares.

do not disturb

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DoNotDisturb

mornings are hazardous living with me (and most addies). more arguments have started in our home right after getting out of bed/waking up than i wish to remember, and the root cause is either of two: me forgetting that even if i am up, i am not ‘awake’ or my wife forgetting the same.

over the years we have used several methods/tricks to get around the sinkholes of my mean morning mood. i say ‘we’, because even though i am ultimately responsible for my emotions and actions, my wife do actually have responsibility for how she does things too.

once it was apparent that my mean morning mood cannot be changed, which was our first course of action – me working on containing the fall-out while being social and interactive right after waking up – which failed miserably because i have adhd and as. then we racked our brains to try and find the reason i had this morning mood. we found many things that seemed to trigger the explosions:

  • talking about important stuff
  • talking about upsetting stuff
  • talking about stuff we disagreed about
  • talking about stuff that expressed possible demands
  • being woken by the phone
  • being woken by any loud noise
  • being asked to do stuff that takes thinking

then we thought that it might be HOW i woke up. that if i woke up in a soft and cuddly manner, gently and slow, it would ease the risk of explosive fall-out. to a degree it did. but it is not always feasible for my wife to conjure up the strength and energy to make it happen that way, and some times she could be the paragon of loving-kindness and i would blow up in her face nevertheless. besides, she should not have to jump through hoops to avoid being bitten.

so when it turned out that i almost always had this mean morning mood regardless of what happened we came up with this basic morning rule: do not disturb the bear.

it does not always work, because we both forget, and i assume that it will keep being like this for the foreseeable future – but now we have left the project of trying to fix the sinkhole, and are actively working on finding a way that will help us both remember that the sinkhole is there and to avoid it.

the latest idea – a hat. yes, a hat. a hat that i put on when i go to bed and subsequently wake up wearing, where it says: DO NOT DISTURB!

now what remains is to actually make the hat. when we have it, i’ll post a picture 😀

n.e.d 2

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n.e.dok, it’s time to revisit an old post. the one about my n.e.d, nekkid emperor detector (yes, it is a reference to the story by HC. Andersen)

a new friend of mine (keeps a blog in swedish, among other things about having adhd) shared one of his posts on FB, and someone responded in a way that told him this person was ‘profiling’ (like a psychologist would, or like someone who wants to put someone down would) him, his n.e.d picked it up and he responded by revealing the ‘readings’ of his n.e.d. then he asked me what i thought about his reply. as he asked an honest question, i responded in kind. that the initial question “why did you respond in that way?” would have sufficed. that even though he knew he was being profiled, and actually had the right to be offended, revealing the ‘n.e.d-readings’ was not called for, and could even put him in trouble.

see, in a world where the vast majority are neurotypicals, (who to a large extent do not like neurodifferents) it is not always a good thing that they are aware that we have super talents that can ‘see through’ their  smoke screens, lies, attempted bullying and manipulations.

some times it is enough that i know that i am being ‘bullshitted’ – i do not have to do anything about it, except perhaps be careful around the person bullshitting me.

the trick is to know WHEN to make those n.e.d-readings public. in my personal experience the ‘when’ is most often when there is serious danger to third person, or when i am really hurt. it is a bit like superman – he needs a ‘day-job’ and a regular identity, and then when there is real need, he becomes superman and saves the day.

fidgety fingers

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FourSpecies175x175i am ‘easily’ bored. it took me a long time to figure out that the nagging urge i always get when watching tv or a movie – the fidgety fingers – to do something with my hands is actually a form of self-medication. it is a way for me to get my monkey-brain out of the way. in fact this is the main reason i am almost always fiddling with stuff (keys, pens, napkins, lit candles etc.) when i am socializing with people. it is not ‘multitasking’ as such, because i have no focus on what my hands are doing, they are just moving, keeping the monkey-brain mesmerized, so i can focus on the tv-show or movie.

sense…

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garbage can1things have to make sense to me as a neurodifferent person. when they do not those things hurt.

most of what neurotypicals do or say when dealing with me or other nds does not make sense. neurotypicals so often focus on the material matters of situations such as employment, workplace, medical practices and education. it is as if they simply do not have the imagination to think ‘outside the box’. they seem incapable of factoring in the human matter. as long as they can claim that they ‘did everything by the book’, what happens to me or other nds as a result, is irrelevant. if something does not work for a person within a specific framework, it is not because of that person, but the fault of the framework, and the people creating the framework. if the ‘book’ does not take into consideration that every person is unique, the ‘book’ needs revising. that is pure common sense.

me–a boy at heart

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BoxingGloves1

“bearninjaattack”, i yell and my wife jumps three feet out of the chair, yelping in surprise. we both laugh and have a kiss-fest.

for the most part of our marriage i have wondered:

“do other couples have as much fun, play as many silly games and pranks on each other as we do?”

the answer is that i don’t know. what i do know is that it makes me feel real. present. happy. whole in a way i cannot really describe.

i like silly. silly that is real. making faces, telling silly jokes, laughing at my neurodifference, and at the same time loving all that about me, because at heart i am a boy, and it is a good thing.

teddy bears, blankies and cuddles

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LinusVANPELT

no post icon today. today i am gonna talk about my absolute favorites – the blanky, the teddy bear and the cuddle.

i have no idea why, but i have a need to wrap myself in heavy covers when i sleep. i cannot sleep without clamping at least one teddy bear to my chest. and – contrary to what most people believe about aspies – i love to cuddle.

my wife has crocheted me a blanky, and it is perfect to wrap my upper body and head in. it makes me feel safe. like a hug.

once my doctor has signed the papers, i am going to get myself a weighted blanket. it is going to be heavenly. a whole-body hug, to hold me when i sleep.

friends…

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tedd1

in real life i do not have any friends. except my wife. some 10-12 years ago i was told that if i was always the one calling and initiating social stuff, the relationship(s) were imbalanced and unequal. so i stopped calling the few friends i had, to give them a chance to reciprocate. they never did. even people who claimed i was part of their family, said they loved me, never called me once in those 10-12 years. the only person who ever gave me any explanation was the one i had been friends with the longest – “you are too much”, he said.

too much what?

i don’t know, and i am not likely to ever know. yes, i am bitter, and i am lonely. and confused.

apart from the home assistance team that comes around twice a week to help me clean and a paid personal contact whom i meet once a month i have no social connections in real life.

super power

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Stars1

one of the things that annoys me about being neurodifferent is the general attitude people  (neurotypicals) have about neurodifferents. like it is a DISABILITY, something i SUFFER from.

it is a disability only because society is not built to accept neurodifferents.

i suffer, not from my adhd and my as, but from neurotypicals’ ignorance and arrogance. and from neurotypical society’s demand that all people function the same.

when i am around other neurodifferents i do not have any problems fitting in – in my corner of society my neurodifference is a blessing, a super power that lets me contribute on equal terms with everyone else.

aspiesuperpower

in my corner of society everyone is aware that we are all different from each other, and that this is a strength, not a weakness, and that we are all precious and appreciated because our differences.