Neurotypicals parenting autistic children


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© 2018 Henric C. Jensen

Autistic Children grow up into Autistic Adults

Me: to the neurotypicals in this thread – check your privilege and shut up and listen, goddammit!

Neurotypical PhD: If that is directed to myself … please provide ur PHD in psychiatrics

Me: yes it was directed at you, because you are being an idiot. you don’t listen, you think you know best when it comes to autistics – even those who actually live autistic reality. comes directly from your neurotypical privilege and it is ignorant, abusive and offensive.

when neurotypicals speak on neurodifferent issues, they are not speaking for us. they are speaking for their understanding of neurodifferent issues and they are speaking from inside their privilege. they cannot speak for us. it does not matter how well-meaning, well-informed/well-educated or sensitive they are – they are not qualified to speak on neurodifferent issues. that they do, despite their inherent incompetence, is nothing but them using their neurotypical privilege. any organization or educational body that is not run by or directed by neurodifferent people is automatically dominating the neurodifferent narrative are and violating neurodifferent people and their lives. even the frigging psychiatrists.

Neurotypical PhD: I don’t know what’s best for Autistics. .. my children are not autistic.. myself is not either. Not once did I claim to know that I knew Autistics. .. what I do know is mothering given my experience of being a mother of 5… I also know there isn’t much support in Ontario for Parents of Autistic children as I have MANY friends who’s children are autistic . And that concerns me ….. as I feel they deserve support and life skill on how to deal with their children and not just prescriptions. (my emphasis)

this is where i really lost it – how to deal with their children – as if autistic children are some sort of psychological baggage or walking situational crisis… or juvenile delinquent that needs ‘dealing with’… it is sickening, and the worst part of it that she doesn’t realize what she is saying to us – the autistics in the thread – or that it comes from inside her neurotypical privilege. she is clueless. she is trying, but she is clueless.

Me: yes, you know people with autistic children. but you are not listening to [OP] – how about neurotypicals reach out to US, the autistic adults and ask us how to raise autistic children? but you dont, you complain, whine and go on about how hard it is, but not even when the solution is right in front of you do you avail yourself. why? because of neurotypical privilege. you are stuck in ‘autistics-are-lesser-people’ mode and are incapable of understanding that we – the autistics – are the real experts, not the government, not the neurotypical psychiatrists, doctors, nurses, not even the parents. have you [Neurotypical PhD], reached out to even one autistic run organization and asked for information about what is available to neurotypical parents in terms of learning about and acquiring skills to raise their children without abusing them?

Neurotypical PhD: 1st I don’t complain or whine … I man up and deal with shit.. so clumping folks is not correct .
Yes I have reached out for friends to organizations that specialize in Autistics …. Autism Ontario and Geneva center …. and autism does not directly effect me but I care enough too

oh. she cares. but apparently not enough shut up and check her frigging privilege, language and prejudices. it is like what someone said earlier in the thread The worst part is you’ll leave this thread thinking you were in the right the whole time, when you could have learned something.” nope she will not have learned anything. she will enter the next discussion just as clueless and arrogant and sure that she knows better than autistics.

Me: ‘you’ in the first part of my post was a ‘general you’ – and yes, clumping is correct, because there are 90 of ‘you’ and 10 of ‘us’ in any given demographic at any given time.

the number of neurotypical parents that actually are aware of how their autistic children function and how to handle situations when they arise, are from what i have gathered from various groups and pages i am in and on, are just about 5 in 90.

it is common sense that you do not drag your child across the floor or the pavement – if this had been a neurotypical child, child services would have been called pronto – if not the police. but that did not happen. yeah, she was yelled at on the internet. got her picture in the paper. that was it.

1. she could have just sat down with him – no autistic child has melt-downs for no reason, so find out what triggers them and find ways to minimize the risk of exposure to triggers.
2. she could have just held him – if i can hold my 200lb wife when she is in a melt-down so she wont hurt herself and until she calms down, then a parent can hold a 4-year old.
3. she could have called for help.

parenting is common sense. there is no need to abuse a child, and no excuse to do it either.

(i am of the opinion that as soon as a child is diagnosed with ASD it should be removed from their neurotypical parents and fostered/adopted by autistic parents. but that i cannot say that i think – because that would be horrible to the neurotypical parents…)


Quiet Hands

Very painful to read – and so true – just don’t do this to us!

Just Stimming...

TW: Ableism, abuse

Explaining my reaction to this:

means I need to explain my history with this:

quiet handsquiet hands1.

When I was a little girl, they held my hands down in tacky glue while I cried.


I’m a lot bigger than them now. Walking down a hall to a meeting, my hand flies out to feel the texture on the wall as I pass by.

“Quiet hands,” I whisper.

My hand falls to my side.


When I was six years old, people who were much bigger than me with loud echoing voices held my hands down in textures that hurt worse than my broken wrist while I cried and begged and pleaded and screamed.


In a classroom of language-impaired kids, the most common phrase is a metaphor.

“Quiet hands!”

A student pushes at a piece of paper, flaps their hands, stacks their fingers against their palm, pokes at…

View original post 798 more words

autistics right to self-determination…



angry-bear6…trumps neurotypical parents’ right not to cringe.

During last Wednesday’s meeting, one subcommittee member, who I believe is the parent of an Autistic child, and an Autistic self-advocate expressed disagreement over the terms. Feedback from one of our members suggested changing “ASD individual” in our report to “individual with ASD.” The Autistic self-advocate sitting beside me, who also has an Autistic brother, voiced her objection to use of the term. “I disagree,” she said as the suggestion was read aloud. “I’m not a person with autism; I am Autistic.”

Immediately, a mother sitting next to her responded, “I come from a time where that word, ‘autistic,’ had — still has — a negative meaning. It’s offensive. When someone refers to my son as ‘the autistic,’ I cringe at that word; I get ready to defend him.”

no, mommy, you do not get to define your son. cringe away and get used to referring to your son as autistic. check your privilege and your gimp phobia. you refuse to identify your son as autistic for the same reason a homophobic father refuses to talk about his gay son.

But why are we self-advocates so opposed to this terminology? Aren’t we all about de-emphasizing and correcting inaccurate, misleading, and harmful stereotypes and attitudes? Right? From that other perspective, you would think we would support the use of person-first language, because we want to be seen as people with equal rights, value, and worth to non-Autistic people. But we don’t. Because when people say “person with autism,” it does have an attitudinal nuance. It suggests that the person can be separated from autism, which simply isn’t true. It is impossible to separate a person from autism, just as it is impossible to separate a person from the color of his or her skin. (my emphasis)

person-first-language implies a need to separate the individual from their autism, as if autism were some sort of shameful disease. newsflash – it is not. it is a neurological variation.

it is interesting that ‘person-first-language’ is mostly used by neurotypicals, don’t you think?  it is a great example of how neurotypicals dominate the autistic narrative and use their privilege to deny and demean us through the way they speak about us. their insistence on using person-first-language is offensive and abusive and it is a way by which they assert their perceived right to define us.

It is impossible to affirm the value and worth of an Autistic person without recognizing his or her identity as an Autistic person. Referring to me as “a person with autism,” or “an individual with ASD” demeans who I am because it denies who I am. (my emphasis)

neurotypicals have no right to define us. they have no right to separate us from our autism. in fact they have no right to speak for us or advocate for us, unless they do it in our words, using our definitions of ourselves.

Empathy …it goes both ways!



it does go both ways – as said – the neurotypicals have very little empathy. they seem to have so little empathy, that i have come to the conclusion that they are the ones who lack theory of mind.

how NTs dominate the ND narrative



the text below was adapted from this article. i have switched out ‘cis’ for ‘neurotypical’ and ‘trans’ for ‘neurodifferent’. the original article was written by Cristan Williams.

angry-bear5there are, by orders of magnitude, more neurotypical people than neurodifferent people in the world. when one considers the amount of discourse happening around the neurodifferent experience, due to sheer numbers, a neurotypical understanding of “neurodifferent issues” is dominant in our society today. this dynamic ensures that the dominant “neurodifferent” narrative is also a false narrative that is repeated, analyzed, and criticized ad nauseum by a largely neurotypical audience, reinforcing the validity of this dominant (and factually inaccurate) “neurodifferent” narrative. when neurodifferent people protest the propagation of the dominant (and factually inaccurate) “neurodifferent” narrative about the neurodifferent experience, neurodifferent people are told that we are stifling free speech, that we are snowflakes, or that we just need to learn to perform better public “debates.” when neurodifferent activists express anger, resentment, and/or frustration with this dynamic, neurotypical people can respond with their own anger, resentment, and/or frustration because a lot of neurotypical people have already invested more time and attention into trying to understand the dominant (and factually inaccurate) “neurodifferent” narrative than they ever wanted to in the first place and come to perceive neurodifferent activists as pushy, bossy, and unreasonable.
resolving these misunderstandings in the face of an army of trolls who traffic misinformation, civic leaders who attempt to pass anti-neurodifferent laws, and neurotypical anger, resentment, and/or frustration while also trying to support equality for neurotypical, neurodifferent, is the primary purpose of neurodifferent advocacy today.

this is so spot on.

when neurotypicals speak on neurodifferent issues, they are not speaking for us. they are speaking for their understanding of neurodifferent issues and they are speaking from inside their privilege. they cannot speak for us. it does not matter how well-meaning, well-informed/well-educated or sensitive they are – they are not qualified to speak on neurodifferent issues. that they do, despite their inherent incompetence, is nothing but them using their neurotypical privilege. any organization or educational body that is not run by or directed by neurodifferent people is automatically dominating the neurodifferent narrative are and violating neurodifferent people and their lives.


Special Interests and Loneliness


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my special interest is studying and talking about “torah, talmud and (jewish)theology”. not many, if any, on fb has that special interest. yesterday was a day when i felt extremely lonely in this (i always feel lonely in this, but yesterday was extreme). i said to a friend:

“if only my special interest had been trains (like a normal aspie) or britney spears (like a normal gay aspie). no, no, i had to pick torah… which no normal yid cares about as long as a rabbi doesn’t tell them they can’t eat chinese on xmas. i tried joining other torah groups on fb, but most of them are either militant orthodox or wishy-washy renewal. in the first kind i know too little and in the second kind i either know too much or am ‘too jewish’.”

it is true, i feel lonely. i have always felt lonely, on the outside looking in – i have never had a group of my equals to share my special interest with. it is painful.



NTs, their gimp-splaining and privilege


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angry bear2do you remember this post? well i posted a bit from it to Facebook, and tagged a few of my neurodifferent friends. the post took off and got a few shares, a few likes and everything seemed to be going very nicely.

until a neurotypical individual came in and decided to “share their point of view” with the rest of us. it went the usual way when neurotypicals weigh in on matters of neurodifference – to sheol in a hand-basket:

Well, there are some of us, “neurotypical” (even I’m not pretty sure of filling all the description for it) that want to care about and deal with autism. In the small school where I work, we have 3 students with Asperger and 2 with autism (that’s the reason I follow B’s page) and what we do is learning and teaching the other kids to handle meltdowns, to understand the reasons of their behavior and how to help them to feel part of the society. We work a lot with all the students with their emotional education and we have had good results because the five of them feel accepted and now are pretty much as B, able to do wonderful things for the others.

Ok, the way they used quote marks around neurotypical told my right away that they were being defensive about the label, i.e not acknowledging it as a valid designation for people who are not neurodifferent. then there is the little matter of being totally OT (remember the original post was about how autists are being portrayed on television and in movies). then they go pretty self-promotive on the lot of us, and as icing on the cake, they throw in some gratuitous praise for one of my friends (whom i feel is rather shallow, into camouflaging and has a an attitude of defending neurotypical people when they are being offensive or stupid in relation to neurodifference). all that pissed me off and i wanted to rip this piece of horse-manure a new asshole. my wife advised me to not do that. i complied:

Henric C. Jensen Âû:
how is this even remotely related to the portrayal of autists on television and in movies?
i am sorry, but your post, comes across, to me, like “I know all about dealing with black people, I have black friends”, and i feel very much like i am being gimp-splained to. again. this post is about how autistic people are being portrayed by neurotypical people on neurotypical television and in neurotypical movies.
i realize that you are trying your very best to be an ally in sharing this with me and those i have tagged in the OP, however, your neuronormal/neurotypical privilege is showing. maybe you could review your post and see how that might be?

so far everything is still sort of good.
but then the neurotypical asshole comes in and says:

To fit your expectations? No. I’m expressing my point of view, if you feel it’s against the policies and objectives of the page, I ask B and administrators of the page to delete it. If you feel threatened I apologize.

what?? did they just demand that i accept their definition of the OP? did they actually claim it as their right to abuse me on my own wall? did this piece of excrement just claim that they have the right to be offensive in their treatment of me and my tagged friends, because one of the tagged people runs another page dealing with autism?

yup that was what they did.

at that point my wife released me from my restraints and i responded:

Henric C. Jensen Âû
this is is MY wall, not Bryan’s page – I am the administrator here – you are in my house and YOU ARE BEING RUDE.

my wife decided to respond to this and when she went to copy the comments they were gone. yes, the piece of shit decided to delete their comment, to which i had responded in a sub-thread. lucky for me i had copied and saved it to Edit-pad, and because the discussion was open in another tab, i also had a screen-shot.

i hate neurotypicals – yes, as a general rule i do. they are condescending, overbearing, ignorant, stupid, lack empathy, self-centered, selfish and crude. if i run in to someone who is not like this, i assume they are neurodifferent.

neurotypicals cannot deal with autistic people demanding our right to live our lives on our own terms, without neurotypical intervention or intrusion. they cannot wrap their minds around the idea that we are whole individuals, that we are not broken and that apart from them checking their privilege, we do not need them.

autism isn’t cute


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A person with cute autism might commit a faux pas, but he will not be shamed and kicked out of school for it. He might utter a gaffe, but he will not permanently alienate a friend group because of it. He won’t destroy relationships. He won’t have an ugly emotional meltdown in public, or freak out and hit someone. While Sheldon Cooper’s friends on The Big Bang Theory are often exasperated and annoyed, they never shun him, because Sheldon never crosses the line into causing true offense and hurt. The writers carefully keep Sheldon just on this side of being awful. That is a high bar to set for autistic people in the real world.

in real life there is no room for the totality of an autistic person, because there is no tolerance for it. there is no tolerance for it because the portrayal of autistic people on television and in movies is the white-washed version of autistic reality. it is a vicious cycle of neurotypical people gimp-splaining to us and each other and at the same time demanding that we be autistic, politely and quietly, according to their rules. they do so love our little quirks – our little quirks they want. if we insist on being ‘really autistic’, they prefer that we be so out of sight, so we do not upset them and their neurotypical lives. neurotypical people simply cannot handle the truth about being an autistic person.

Consider the autism muppet, Julia, on Sesame Street. She is the epitome of adorable, and she teaches children to tolerate kids who don’t want to be touched, or don’t give eye contact, or make flappy hands. Julia will never push a joke too far or unwittingly say something unforgivably racist. Julia will never do something disgusting, or scary, or inexplicable, because Julia’s job is to teach kids that autism is safe and fine.

autism is not safe and fine. autism is not cute. autism is public melt-downs, saying hurtful things without realizing it, hurting oneself and others both physically and emotionally again and again and not being able to control oneself. autism is not being able to use public transportation because one might freak out because of the smell, light, sound and crowdiness. autism is never feeling safe and fine, because one has to hide the ugly, crazy, scary, disgusting parts of being autistic and be in constant fear that one will fail.


old wounds



© 2018 Henric C. Jensen

i am exhausted

every day it gets worse

the last twelve years of my life

are dropping their combined

pain, fear and havoc

on top of my head


each new moment of stress

digs into my being

my reserves

the entrails of my life

and litters my living with

bloody rags

why bother?


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tedd1i went to the kitchen

to make a simple oatmeal porridge for dinner

needed to chase down and wash:

a pot and a whisk

bowls to eat from

spoons to eat with

then make the porridge

brought a bowl of porridge

to my wife

did not bring one for me

no energy to eat

so why bother?