Neurotypicals parenting autistic children

Tags

child abuse, gimp-splaining, neurodifferent activism, Neurotypical privilege, parenting

Autistic Children grow up into Autistic Adults

Me: to the neurotypicals in this thread – check your privilege and shut up and listen, goddammit!

Neurotypical PhD: If that is directed to myself … please provide ur PHD in psychiatrics

Me: yes it was directed at you, because you are being an idiot. you don’t listen, you think you know best when it comes to autistics – even those who actually live autistic reality. comes directly from your neurotypical privilege and it is ignorant, abusive and offensive.

when neurotypicals speak on neurodifferent issues, they are not speaking for us. they are speaking for their understanding of neurodifferent issues and they are speaking from inside their privilege. they cannot speak for us. it does not matter how well-meaning, well-informed/well-educated or sensitive they are – they are not qualified to speak on neurodifferent issues. that they do, despite their inherent incompetence, is nothing but them using their neurotypical privilege. any organization or educational body that is not run by or directed by neurodifferent people is automatically dominating the neurodifferent narrative are and violating neurodifferent people and their lives. even the frigging psychiatrists.

Neurotypical PhD: I don’t know what’s best for Autistics. .. my children are not autistic.. myself is not either. Not once did I claim to know that I knew Autistics. .. what I do know is mothering given my experience of being a mother of 5… I also know there isn’t much support in Ontario for Parents of Autistic children as I have MANY friends who’s children are autistic . And that concerns me ….. as I feel they deserve support and life skill on how to deal with their children and not just prescriptions. (my emphasis)

this is where i really lost it – how to deal with their children – as if autistic children are some sort of psychological baggage or walking situational crisis… or juvenile delinquent that needs ‘dealing with’… it is sickening, and the worst part of it that she doesn’t realize what she is saying to us – the autistics in the thread – or that it comes from inside her neurotypical privilege. she is clueless. she is trying, but she is clueless.

Me: yes, you know people with autistic children. but you are not listening to [OP] – how about neurotypicals reach out to US, the autistic adults and ask us how to raise autistic children? but you dont, you complain, whine and go on about how hard it is, but not even when the solution is right in front of you do you avail yourself. why? because of neurotypical privilege. you are stuck in ‘autistics-are-lesser-people’ mode and are incapable of understanding that we – the autistics – are the real experts, not the government, not the neurotypical psychiatrists, doctors, nurses, not even the parents. have you [Neurotypical PhD], reached out to even one autistic run organization and asked for information about what is available to neurotypical parents in terms of learning about and acquiring skills to raise their children without abusing them?

Neurotypical PhD: 1st I don’t complain or whine … I man up and deal with shit.. so clumping folks is not correct .
Yes I have reached out for friends to organizations that specialize in Autistics …. Autism Ontario and Geneva center …. and autism does not directly effect me but I care enough too

oh. she cares. but apparently not enough shut up and check her frigging privilege, language and prejudices. it is like what someone said earlier in the thread “The worst part is you’ll leave this thread thinking you were in the right the whole time, when you could have learned something.” nope she will not have learned anything. she will enter the next discussion just as clueless and arrogant and sure that she knows better than autistics.

Me: ‘you’ in the first part of my post was a ‘general you’ – and yes, clumping is correct, because there are 90 of ‘you’ and 10 of ‘us’ in any given demographic at any given time.

the number of neurotypical parents that actually are aware of how their autistic children function and how to handle situations when they arise, are from what i have gathered from various groups and pages i am in and on, are just about 5 in 90.

it is common sense that you do not drag your child across the floor or the pavement – if this had been a neurotypical child, child services would have been called pronto – if not the police. but that did not happen. yeah, she was yelled at on the internet. got her picture in the paper. that was it.

1. she could have just sat down with him – no autistic child has melt-downs for no reason, so find out what triggers them and find ways to minimize the risk of exposure to triggers.
2. she could have just held him – if i can hold my 200lb wife when she is in a melt-down so she wont hurt herself and until she calms down, then a parent can hold a 4-year old.
3. she could have called for help.

parenting is common sense. there is no need to abuse a child, and no excuse to do it either.

(i am of the opinion that as soon as a child is diagnosed with ASD it should be removed from their neurotypical parents and fostered/adopted by autistic parents. but that i cannot say that i think – because that would be horrible to the neurotypical parents…)

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NTs, their gimp-splaining and privilege

Tags

gimp-splaining, neurotypical abuse, neurotypical intervention, Neurotypical privilege

do you remember this post? well i posted a bit from it to Facebook, and tagged a few of my neurodifferent friends. the post took off and got a few shares, a few likes and everything seemed to be going very nicely.

until a neurotypical individual came in and decided to “share their point of view” with the rest of us. it went the usual way when neurotypicals weigh in on matters of neurodifference – to sheol in a hand-basket:

Neurotypical:
Well, there are some of us, “neurotypical” (even I’m not pretty sure of filling all the description for it) that want to care about and deal with autism. In the small school where I work, we have 3 students with Asperger and 2 with autism (that’s the reason I follow B’s page) and what we do is learning and teaching the other kids to handle meltdowns, to understand the reasons of their behavior and how to help them to feel part of the society. We work a lot with all the students with their emotional education and we have had good results because the five of them feel accepted and now are pretty much as B, able to do wonderful things for the others.

Ok, the way they used quote marks around neurotypical told my right away that they were being defensive about the label, i.e not acknowledging it as a valid designation for people who are not neurodifferent. then there is the little matter of being totally OT (remember the original post was about how autists are being portrayed on television and in movies). then they go pretty self-promotive on the lot of us, and as icing on the cake, they throw in some gratuitous praise for one of my friends (whom i feel is rather shallow, into camouflaging and has a an attitude of defending neurotypical people when they are being offensive or stupid in relation to neurodifference). all that pissed me off and i wanted to rip this piece of horse-manure a new asshole. my wife advised me to not do that. i complied:

Henric C. Jensen Âû:
how is this even remotely related to the portrayal of autists on television and in movies?
i am sorry, but your post, comes across, to me, like “I know all about dealing with black people, I have black friends”, and i feel very much like i am being gimp-splained to. again. this post is about how autistic people are being portrayed by neurotypical people on neurotypical television and in neurotypical movies.
i realize that you are trying your very best to be an ally in sharing this with me and those i have tagged in the OP, however, your neuronormal/neurotypical privilege is showing. maybe you could review your post and see how that might be?

so far everything is still sort of good.
but then the neurotypical asshole comes in and says:

To fit your expectations? No. I’m expressing my point of view, if you feel it’s against the policies and objectives of the page, I ask B and administrators of the page to delete it. If you feel threatened I apologize.

what?? did they just demand that i accept their definition of the OP? did they actually claim it as their right to abuse me on my own wall? did this piece of excrement just claim that they have the right to be offensive in their treatment of me and my tagged friends, because one of the tagged people runs another page dealing with autism?

yup that was what they did.

at that point my wife released me from my restraints and i responded:

Henric C. Jensen Âû
this is is MY wall, not Bryan’s page – I am the administrator here – you are in my house and YOU ARE BEING RUDE.

my wife decided to respond to this and when she went to copy the comments they were gone. yes, the piece of shit decided to delete their comment, to which i had responded in a sub-thread. lucky for me i had copied and saved it to Edit-pad, and because the discussion was open in another tab, i also had a screen-shot.

i hate neurotypicals – yes, as a general rule i do. they are condescending, overbearing, ignorant, stupid, lack empathy, self-centered, selfish and crude. if i run in to someone who is not like this, i assume they are neurodifferent.

neurotypicals cannot deal with autistic people demanding our right to live our lives on our own terms, without neurotypical intervention or intrusion. they cannot wrap their minds around the idea that we are whole individuals, that we are not broken and that apart from them checking their privilege, we do not need them.

old wounds

Tags

life, PTSD

i am exhausted

every day it gets worse

the last twelve years of my life

are dropping their combined

pain, fear and havoc

on top of my head

 

each new moment of stress

digs into my being

my reserves

the entrails of my life

and litters my living with

bloody rags

why bother?

Tags

depression, lack of energy, PTSD, sadness

i went to the kitchen

to make a simple oatmeal porridge for dinner

needed to chase down and wash:

a pot and a whisk

bowls to eat from

spoons to eat with

then make the porridge

brought a bowl of porridge

to my wife

did not bring one for me

no energy to eat

so why bother?

shopping

Tags

anger, anxiety, confusion, sensory overload

today is shopping-day

act I

anxiety-anger-fear-panic

smells – too many smells

sounds – too loud

touch – dont!

clothes – itches

proximity – too close, move!

lights – burns my eyes

people – too many

crowded – cant breathe

voices – stop talking

music – hate music

everything chafes – everything is sweaty and cold

no focus – can’t

too much focus – mustn’t

time limit – hurry – only have 2 hours

thoughts too fast

thoughts too slow

no thoughts

too many thoughts

anxiety-anger-fear-panic

act II

too tired

too angry

too anxious

too thoughty

to pack away

groceries

 

almost melt-down

Tags

confusion, fear, overload, stress

Prologue

everything chafes
– my shirt
– ‎my pants
– ‎my shoes
– ‎my shoelaces
– ‎my hat
– ‎my wedding band
– ‎my earphones
– ‎my jacket
– ‎my glasses
– ‎my beard
– ‎my nose
– ‎sweat on my skin

Scene 1

the self-check-out process doesn’t do what it is supposed to

it is not supposed to look like this!

card in – rejected

new try

everything chafes
– my shirt
– ‎my pants
– ‎my shoes
– ‎my shoelaces
– ‎my hat
– ‎my wedding band
– ‎my earphones
– ‎my jacket
– ‎my glasses
– ‎my beard
– ‎my nose
– ‎sweat on my skin

the self-check-out process doesn’t do what it is supposed to.

it is not supposed to look like this!

card in – rejected!!

new try

fail

fail

fail

which card goes where??

my thoughts are too fast
my thoughts are too slow
my thoughts run in staccato

cannot think

why wont it work??

new try

fail

fail

fail

…

 

 

 

 

 

daily life

Tags

anger, fear, panic, sensory overload

Everything smells too much
– including myself
Everything chafes
– my shirt
– ‎my pants
– ‎my shoes
– ‎my shoelaces
– ‎my hat
– ‎my wedding band
– ‎my earphones
– ‎my jacket
– ‎my glasses
– ‎my beard
– ‎my nose
– ‎sweat on my skin
The contents of my pockets are
unevenly distributed
The over-head lights are too bright
– despite sunglasses
– ‎despite looking down
Everything is too loud
– people talking to each other
– ‎people talking on the phone
– ‎the AC
– ‎the coffee machine
– ‎chairs scraping on the floor
– ‎clothes rustling as people walk by
– ‎the dishwasher
– ‎the water faucet running
– ‎the door opening and closing
– the city itself
My thoughts are too fast
My thoughts are too slow
My thoughts run in staccato
The conversation we are having
tunes in and out
what you are saying
makes no sense
I cannot focus
I focus too much
Anxiety washing through me
like a ravenous beast
stealing my last thought
Fear
Anger
Panic
rinse and repeat
Minutely, hourly, daily, monthly, yearly, year after year

stupid people

Tags

food, stupid people

me: “I am supposed to eat. Today I hate eating. It’s hard to chew. Food tastes funny.”

xx: “Sounds like medication side effect. I couldn’t handle all that at all. Have you tried GAPS diet and mindful eating? Whole new approach to food..”

me: “I am on Concerta, and have not had this experience before. No, I haven’t, and I don’t do well on carbs at all.”

xx: “Worth looking into then, I’d say! I Have given up carbs and sugar and now, relatively at least, I feel and look great. Using water kefir to get past the carb/sugar cravings really helped..”

me: “ok. I am not interested in discussing diets and looks. thank you <3”

xx: “You posted about diet, am just sharing something that helped me.. Not selling. Good luck finding what suits…”

me: “not a word about diet in my post – i posted about eating and food, not diet – that’s all in your head.”

xx: “Ahem. The food you eat is your diet. It’s a technical term. Like I say, good luck..”

then xx goes on to post the oxford dictionary definition of ‘diet’…

ALL definitions and examples contain some reference to eating according to a specific regiment for a very specific purpose. I.e DIETING.

Some days life is full of STUPID people.

shame

Tags

guilt, shame

I found this and thought it might be interesting.

The Shame Game and ADHD

Why people with ADHD struggle with feelings of shame and how they can overcome them.

by William Dodson, M.D.

Shame Is Not Guilt

Shame is one of the oldest known English words that originally meant to “hide or cover up.” As such, shame is the hardest thing to deal with since it tends to be hidden and never addressed. Feeling shame is different than feeling guilt. Guilt focuses on what one has done. Shame focuses on who one is.

Feeling Separate and Unequal

For ADHDers, shame arises from the repeated failure to meet expectations from parents, teachers, friends, bosses, and the world. It is estimated that those with ADHD receive 20,000 more negative messages by age 12 than those without the condition. They view themselves as fundamentally different and flawed. They are not like other people.

Feeling Bad About Oneself

It is especially painful when well-meaning people in an ADHD person’s life point out that he has failed or fallen short. ADHDers are accused, directly or through implication, of being lazy or willfully disobedient—as if they set out to fail. It’s hard not to feel bad about yourself. In fact, one expert believes that “low self-esteem” should be one of the criteria for diagnosing ADHD in adults.

Anger for Those Who Criticize

Those with ADHD who feel shame withdraw into themselves—or hide behind a rage at the perceived source of the negativity. This may explain why people with ADHD fear letting others get to know them intimately or to see how they live. The ADDer harbors two horrible secrets: Their future is uncontrolled and uncontrollable and life can inflict wounding shame just as easily as it engenders success.

Problems with Trying to Be Perfect

Shame causes many ADHDers to try to be perfect. A person thinks: “If I look and do everything perfectly, I can avoid shame.” An ADHDer who holds this belief is constantly evaluating everyone in their lives—friends, family, children—to see what they approve of and value, and gives it back to them. The person with ADHD forgets what he genuinely wants from his own life.

Just Giving Up

Many ADHDers who feel shame stop trying to do things—at work and at home—unless they are assured in advance of quick, complete, and easy success. They do not have the ability to sustain effort for long if they are not succeeding completely. This is often misinterpreted as laziness, leading the person to feel more shame and more misunderstood. This is one reason video games are so popular. If you fail, only you know. You reboot and move on, as if nothing happened.

Shying Away from Help

Shame gets in the way of ADHD adults and kids asking for help. For many people with ADHD, telling a doctor about their failures and asking to receive medication to help them succeed is unthinkable. They have tried everything, and it hasn’t worked. Many children would rather flunk than ask the teacher for help. This is why many parents feel blindsided when they discover how badly their child is doing in school. Their child didn’t tell them because it was so shameful to admit it.

Blaming Others

Many with ADHD equate blaming someone else for their failures with fixing the problem that caused them to feel shame. Once they have found someone to blame, they wash their hands of responsibility and accountability for correcting the mistake. The goal of breaking the cycle of shame is to adopt financier George Soros’ view: “There is no shame in being wrong, only in failing to correct our mistakes.”

Laugh the Shame Away

For the ADHDer, humor is one of the best weapons against shame. Laughing at a situation that has gone wrong or a mistake you have made brings more self-acceptance and softens the often-harsh attitudes he developed about himself in childhood. Humor takes away shame’s power over us.

Accept Yourself—Warts and All

Although people who feel ashamed are intensely focused on how the outside world sees them, the first step in combatting it is self-acceptance. Unless a person with ADHD is able to accept and value herself, even though she is not perfect, she can’t really believe that others can love her just as she is.

Find a Cheerleader

Having someone—a friend, neighbor, coach, or grandparent—who accepts and loves a child or adult with ADHD, despite his faults and shortcomings, is vital in overcoming shame. This is the opposite of perfectionism, in which approval is contingent on what the person has done lately. The accepting person acts as a vessel that holds the memory of you as a good and valuable person, even when things go wrong.

Strength in Numbers

An ADHD support group can be a welcome island in an ADHDer’s world. Finally, the person is understood. The other people in the group have been in his shoes and know the shame of failure and being different. The group sees the person as he is and corrects the distortions that result from hiding in an inner world of shame. What’s more, self-help groups set ADHD-specific goals that are more realistic and loving.

Uncover the Truth

A doctor and therapist need to be vigilant for signs of shame because most ADHDers hide it from the world. It is key to proper diagnosis and successful therapy that therapist and patient are aware of the emotional intensity that is part of the patient’s life. A lot of patients attempt to hide this emotional component, fearful of being wounded further if the truth were known.

Additional Resources

Join our online community, ADDConnect, for support from others touched by ADHD.
Read Why ADHDers Act the Way We Do: Understanding ADHD Behavior.
Check out 16 Sayings for ADHDers to Live and Laugh By.
Download Smart Comebacks to ADHD Doubters, for free.

 

my inner lizard

Meet my inner lizard. In scientific language his name is AMYGDALA, but I call him Herman. Herman is in charge of everything that has to do with any raw emotions. Like FEAR, ANGER, JOY, GRIEF and LOVE.

Every time I experience a feeling, it is Herman’s doing. He is very good at his job. His job is to respond to what happens inside me or around me, and specifically alert me if there is danger nearby, and prepare me for either flight, fight or hide mode. If he did not do this, I would perhaps be at risk of getting killed several times a day. Herman is very important to me.

As I said, Herman is very good at his job. Sometimes, though he gets stuff mixed up. You see, Herman is also in charge of the memory of feelings I have had in situations where Herman has had to warn me about something dangerous. So, let’s say that Herman once warned me about a car turning the corner just as I stepped off the curb. Herman HEARD the car, and yelled “DANGEROUS CAR!”, and flooded my brain and blood with adrenaline, so I could quickly step back onto the sidewalk. The sudden rush of adrenaline and appearance of the car just inches from me created a memory of fear in me, associated with the sound of a speeding car.
Herman is good at his job. He is not very bright though, he cannot tell real from not-real. So next time he hears a speeding car f.i when I am safe on the sidewalk on my way into a store, he will yell “DANGEROUS CAR!” and flood my brain and blood with adrenaline AND the memory of fear.

There is no speeding car to be afraid of, but Herman can only remember the SOUND and the FEAR, he cannot check if there is a car.

This affects how I respond to the sound of speeding cars.
Herman has hundreds maybe even thousands of ideas about what is dangerous to him and me. But since he is not very bright, and cannot tell real from not-real, he needs me to keep him informed about the realness of stuff he warns me about. If I didn’t give him that information, he would keep himself and me in a constant state of panic.

Luckily for me, Herman is not very fit. He can’t keep flooding me with fear and adrenaline for more than a few seconds at a time (10 seconds at the most), before he needs a breather. When he is taking his breather, there is room for ME to step in and either tell him to calm down or divert him by adding a stimulus that is not connected to what Herman is freaking out about.

Music is very good, or positive white noise like cat-purring. Something that will catch Herman’s attention in a good way.