My life through My eyes by Tiffany Joy Broskoskie

This so very much

thereluctantelfqueen

I do not have a disability, I have the ability to see the world differently
than most
people.
I do not have a
disability, I have the ability to hear beautiful sounds
that most people
do not pause to listen to.
I do not have a
disability, I have the ability to smell delicious scents
that most people
do not slow down to discover.
I do not have a
disability, I have the ability to feel various textures
that most people
do not have the perception to distinguish from
others.
I do not have a
disability, I have the ability to think in a much
more complex
way than most people.
I do not have a
disability, I have hopes and dreams, passions,
hobbies,
feelings, and an outpouring of love to give.
I do not have a
disability, I have Autism.
I do not have a
disability, I have the…

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where is the normal image of autistics?

Tags

autistic news, autistics as comic relief, Autistics in media, news

The Two Faces of Autism
Copyright © 2018 Henric C. Jensen

i complained to my wife this morning. about how autistics have only two faces in Media – either ‘fantastic, brave, inspirational’ or ‘a burden, disabled, abnormal’. we are only ever shown when we do things that would be extraordinary for anyone (like saving someone from drowning) or when our parents, caregivers and the general public kill us because we are ‘burdens’. no normal autistics are ever shown, and never any adult autistics – unless they are cute autistics. in which case it looks like this:

Cute Autism – The Comic Relief
Copyright © 2018 Henric C. Jensen

it is never about the authentic autistic experience. it is always about the extraordinary, the tragedy or the white-washed.

this is not only abusive and inaccurate – it is insulting. it is also dangerous because it gives people the idea that they know something about autistics – “a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.” – but as the other saying goes –

“when you have met one autist, you have met one autist”.

i am not Alex Spourdalakis, i am not Colbi Heard and i am definitely not Sheldon Cooper.

Alex Spourdalakis was killed because he was autistic. Colbi Heard is hailed a hero because he is autistic and Sheldon Cooper is a comic relief because he displays what the public understands as autism.

neither of these images of Autistic People serve the autistic community in any positive way. honestly – autistics would rather not be portrayed on TV, in the movies and in the News at all, and definitely not this way – because it does so much harm. it gives the general public a license to abuse and kill us. it doesn’t promote acceptance, it sets us apart and demonizes us.

i am

Tags

Autistic Art, autistic poetry

i am one with autism

i am one with myself

i am one with my senses

i am autistic

skin

nose

mouth

ears

eyes

i am one with my feelings

i am autistic

anger

sadness

fear

joy

compassion

i am one with myself

i am one with autism

remove autism from me

and i cease to be.

autistic reflection

Tags

art, poetry

i look at myself in the mirror
i do not see
broken
defective
disordered
diseased
disabled

i see me.

in the mirror of your eyes
i see
broken
defective
disordered
diseased
disabled

i do not see me

i see your reflection of me

i do not want to look at your eyes

autistic narrative, autistic reality and autistic lives matters

Tags

#autisticlivesmatter, #boycottautismspeaks, the autistic experience

#autisticlivesmatter #boycottautismspeaks

My Wife wrote:

Knowing that I would have all the “benefits” (can’t think of any right now), without the downsides (which there are a lot, even for us high-functioning ones), makes me sometimes wish there was a cure.
I suppose I shouldn’t say “I don’t want a cure”, I should say I don’t want people to treat us as disease or diseased and thus lesser, worthless creatures, not even people. I don’t want people to ignore us because we could have been “better”, had we been “normal”. I don’t want to be reduced to just the downside of Autism.
I want people to focus on finding ways of making our lives and co-existence with NNs easier, and not on finding out AS already during pregnancy so that it can be aborted. I don’t want people to think only of the worst cases when they think about Autism. I don’t like knowing people see me as walking disease and not as a person who might have something to offer, just as every other human being.

I don’t want people to think my brain is damaged, because it isn’t. My brain is developed and fully functioning. It just doesn’t function the way NN brains function. I mean, there are no dead areas or damaged nerves or cells or anything, it’s just different. It’s not even that there is less brain; we have more of some parts and less of some other parts… It’s just that the human society is created for people with “normal” brain.

So… how much of the suffering Autistic people experience is due to the NN/NT stupidity and cruelty, and how much is because of Autism itself?
It isn’t my sensitivity that causes me suffering, it’s that the society doesn’t allow me to adjust my environment to my needs. (Or refuses to adjust the environment to the needs of those who cannot do it for themselves.)
It isn’t that I get meltdowns that cause me suffering, it’s the NN expectations that cause the meltdowns. If I was allowed to take the world at my own pace and manner, there wouldn’t be meltdowns.
If I was accepted as I am, appreciated for what is good in me, and not being harassed, punished and abused for what I can’t do or be, the suffering would be much less.

it is autism awareness month.

my world is lit up in all kinds of colors, blue (a violent, abusive color for autistics), red (have not figured out why that is an autistic color) and gold (though i am not sure if i may use that color to light up my world) – and with it my world is filled of stories of abuse, violence, hatred, ignorance, indifference and above all – neurotypical using their privilege to try and silence autistics.

“but then block/unlike the content that spew this” i hear my more rational self say. sure. but those people and those pages are my tribe, the people who are on my side – and those stories are their stories – the stories of my tribe. stories that are also my story.

i am in pain.

i am in pain

for my own story, for the stories of countless autistics throughout autistic history. stories of abused and murdered autistics, stories of neglected and tortured autistics, stories of  incarcerated and restrained autistics.

for the stories of my tribe

(google “murdered autistics”)

i hurt

because there is an entire world out there wanting to abuse and kill me for simply asking that the world accept me on my terms.

because there is an entire world out there wanting to abuse and kill me for simply existing.

 because it should be autism acceptance month – acceptance means the world is not aware of autistic me, but is including autistic me treating autistic me like a person, like a human being with all the rights and privileges of any other human being – but it is not autism acceptance month.

because the neurotypical world is still dictating autistic narrative, autistic reality and autistic lives.

 

my receiver is broken

Tags

loneliness, social rules, unwritten rules

for some reason i just don’t compute with social media. or with people on social media. i am either too blunt or too subtle. either way it seems that i end up hurting people or pushing their buttons in ways i never intended. it is discouraging. it makes me feel insecure and odd – even in the autistic community. there are unwritten rules everywhere – ‘do this’, ‘don’t do that’, ‘do this, but not that way’, ‘do that, and do it the right way’ – it is infuriating, confusing and depressing.  it is also scary. of course i won’t agree with everybody i meet, and some wont agree with me. it is all those unwritten rules – ‘remember, you are with us now – have to do it the way we do it’. yes. i read the rules. ‘not those rules, the other rules’ – what other rules? ‘the rules we are not telling you about’.  OK – so even in the autistic community there are rules that are hidden, unspoken. and i am somehow supposed know them through some sort of secret radio waves? my receiver isn’t pinging me, so it must be broken. and right now i feel very much alone and lonely. i wonder when my receiver will be repaired.

the final solution – genocide through eugenics

Tags

autism speaks, demonizing autism, genocide

#boycottautismspeaks

this is autism speaks – a hate group aimed at eradicating autistic people. this why you should not support them – ever. among other things – they promote murder/suicide of autistic people as their ‘final solution’.

the video you just watched is a parody of a commercial for autism speaks which i will not post here – you can google on you tube for it if you think you can stomach it.

autism speaks is actively working for, financing and promoting research into prenatal testing so autistic children can be eradicated before they are even born, like the testing that already exists for down’s syndrome.

“In fact, its symbol, the puzzle piece, was created as a symbol of its purpose; to find the missing pieces of genetic material to establish a connection with autism and genes. This sort of research is problematic because it is part of seeking a cure for autism and can be interpreted as an attempt at eugenics.” LINK

to autism speaks we are “a problem”, “an epidemic”, “a burden to society”, including our parents – especially our parents. we are “a disease”, “a disorder”, something to get rid of.

they can do this because to autism speaks we are not really human. just like jews were not really human to the nazis. their ‘cure’ for autism is genocide through eugenics.

this is why – in april – every year no autistic person will ever ‘light it up blue’ – because that blue piece of a puzzle is the symbol of those who wish to terminate, eradicate, exterminate – kill us.

i could go on – but instead i am going to leave you with a  final quote and a few links.

“Because demonizing autism dehumanizes my child. Period. Because while shock and awe might raise money, they compromise my child’s safety, they tear away at her dignity, they separate her from the rest of us. “And what of older children and adults?” I asked Mark at the time. At six, I knew that my daughter wouldn’t see that video, but what about those who were old enough to watch it? What about Autistic teens who were so damned vulnerable — to bullying, to depression, to suicide. What about them? Did anyone think of what it would feel like to hear that if you haven’t already, you will destroy your parents’ marriage, bankrupt your family, make it impossible for your parents and siblings to do anything at all without pain and embarrassment? How would it feel to an already-struggling kid to hear that THEY are the cause of desperation, loneliness and fear?”

No Misery: This is Autism, Suzanne Wright

What I Believe

7 Reasons To Not Support Autism Speaks

International Badass Activists

What is NN/NT privilege?

Tags

asperger's, camoflaging, Chinese water torture, hypersensitive

You don’t need to pretend to pass as normal.
You don’t react to stress like I do. Fewer things stress you.
You are not as sensitive as I am.
You relate to language very differently from me.
You relate to emotions very differently from me.

I have Asperger’s. This definition is going extinct, I should say I’m Autistic. I am not severely Autistic, I pass as an NN/NT in most situations. There is something “wrong” with me, though. The doctor who made the medical evaluation of me for the Asperger’s diagnose expressed it “she seems friendly, but somewhat odd”. This is the first impression I give. I SEEM to be OK, but there is something off, and that makes people feel I’m lying, trying to hide something, deceitful, suspect.
And I am. I am trying to pass as normal because I have been told since the first time I entered an NN society, that there’s something wrong with me. Other kids wouldn’t play with me. My colleagues wouldn’t talk with me. I am not invited to coffee or lunch or birthday parties. People avoid me. Just because my Asperger’s shows. I don’t know how, and neither do they. No-one knows. They just know there’s something wrong.
You don’t need to deal with this. You feel “right”.
If you have ever been bullied, or worried about what kind of impression you make, think that that’s how it is for us, ALL THE TIME.

I don’t do stress. I can’t say I don’t do stress well because I don’t do it badly either. I don’t do it.
There are only two ways I react to stress. Either I become a raging ape or a ragdoll.

The connections between my brain and body stop functioning. My brain works, my body works, but they don’t co-operate. I get what is called selective mutism. I can’t talk. With a lot of effort, I can force myself stutter some words.
Other people react differently. Some cannot move their body at all. Some move but can’t control the movement.
Some NNs might have experienced something similar sometimes. I experience this all the time. The smallest amount of stress and I can’t trust my body anymore.

Another way to deal with the stress is to go into meltdown. No, we can’t control it. We can’t prevent it, we can’t stop it, it’s not a behavioral problem. It’s like having six or seven drill sergeants yelling at me, all different things. One tells me to stand up, the other to sit, the third to give him 20, go right, go left, hands up, hands down… now, now, NOW!
I scream out my frustration. I try to push off people, I try to give myself more room, more space, more air, fewer impulses, less stimulation, more quiet, more time to think, more time to choose, fewer choices… I start pushing, hitting, kicking, slapping everything close to me to get more space. I start throwing things to get people away from me.

I am very sensitive. You might call it oversensitive. That’s an understatement. The correct word is hypersensitive.
Now, if YOU were oversensitive, you would be an overreacting drama queen, because you are not neurologically as sensitive as I am.
You know Chinese water torture. A drop of water on your hand every second… at first it’s ridiculous. Why would anyone think that’s torture? It’s just a drop of water? You can barely feel it! At first. Then it doesn’t stop. It just keeps on dripping, drip, drip, drip, drop after drop, never ending. You get irritated. You can’t stop thinking about it. You can’t put it off your mind. You can’t ignore it. In a couple of minutes, the irritation turns into pain. It’s still just a drop of water. It doesn’t even cause a mark on your skin. No-one could tell you have been tortured. No-one would believe you.
That’s how it is for us all the time.
We feel everything. We hear everything. We smell everything. We see everything. We taste everything. Every single little thing, all the time. Most of us can’t turn off this. This is why we need the softest clothes, most comfortable materials, cuts, and sizes. This is why we need silence. This is why we are picky about our foods.
Also, it’s all senses, not just the five obvious ones. We are aware of senses you don’t even know exist. Things like balance or where things are related to our body, or self, or any other of the hundreds of senses we have.

You see… because of this, we can read other people extremely well. I know how you feel. I know exactly how you feel at any given moment. Because I can see all the micro expressions, I can smell your hormones, I can hear your heartbeat. I know.
So when I am with other people, I have to deal with not only my own emotions but yours too. And the more people you add, the more emotions I have to deal with.
You have to be trained to correctly read other people. We never lost the ability.
This is one reason why it’s extremely draining to be with other people.

Another reason is that Neuronormals lie all the time. Most of it is “white lies”, like saying “I’m OK” when we know you are not, or saying “I’m not angry” when we know you are. People say things they are expected to say and don’t say things they have learned are not OK. At the same time, the society keeps touting “you must not tell lies” and “I appreciate honesty most of all”. While lying through their teeth. While promoting lying. By saying it’s not only OK to lie, it’s what you should do in some situations… and do you know why? The most ridiculous reason of all… “not to hurt someone’s feelings”… Why do I think it’s ridiculous? BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO PROBLEMS HURTING OUR FEELINGS AT ALL! If THEY hurt OUR feelings, it’s because we are too sensitive, oversensitive, precious snowflakes… So, yes, ridiculous.
It is very confusing and tiresome. Very stressful.

i am not ready to make nice

Tags

aggressions, denial, denigration, emotional threats, neurotypical abuse, physical threats, respect

so another aspie came in and respectfully asked me to bow out and leave the discussion to her – i acquiesced. no need for two people pounding on the same neurotypical skull  😀. but i can feel inside me how i am not ready to make nice – but i also see that it is not this specific neurotypical it is about – it is a rather long life full of neurotypicals. i can explain to you how i work, what makes me tick, what makes me happy, sad, anxious, stressed out; what makes me go into overload, what triggers my cPTSD and melt-downs – but you can never understand what it means on an emotional, physical, mental, social and spiritual level to be autistic me. you cannot understand what it means when you call my special interests an ‘obsession’ or ‘fixation’ instead of ‘hobby’. or what it does to me when you call my melt-downs ‘tantrums’. nor can you ever understand in what ways it harms and hurts me when you say things like ‘we are all a little autistic’ or ‘we are all on the spectrum’. it is not any fault of yours. we are different you and i. i have no idea how it is to be neurotypical you. still, i do not talk about you or to you in demeaning  or diminishing terms.

i am willing to admit that i have no clue what it means to be neurotypical. still, i am willing to treat you with respect. i do not see the same willingness in you. i do not see the same respect in your treatment of me. i see demands that i adapt to your world on your terms. i see subtle and not so subtle aggressions in the form of eye-rolling, sighs, glares, micro-aggressive body language whenever i fail to fit into your neurotypical mold. i hear your veiled threats of social punishment of, emotional withdrawal from and intellectual denial of autistic me whenever i interact with you and fail to fit into your neurotypical idea of ‘acceptable’.

i feel, see and hear the slight tone of condescension in your voice the moment i tell you i am autistic. you try to cover it, you try to cover the small movements of truth in your face as you feign an interest, a patience, a tolerance or an acceptance you do not feel. you do not think i can see, feel or hear this, because what you think you know about me you have not learned from me. you read them in a book, or in article online, written by someone who is not autistic.

i see a world full of neurotypicals who have absolutely no interest in autistic me. a world of neurotypicals who daily and hourly subject me to aggressions, denigration, denial, threats to my person, threats to my soul and my spirit. a world of neurotypicals who silently accept when other neurotypicals subject me to abuse and other forms of violence.

and you say you do not understand why i am angry and not ready to make nice?

Neurotypicals parenting autistic children

Tags

child abuse, gimp-splaining, neurodifferent activism, Neurotypical privilege, parenting

Autistic Children grow up into Autistic Adults

Me: to the neurotypicals in this thread – check your privilege and shut up and listen, goddammit!

Neurotypical PhD: If that is directed to myself … please provide ur PHD in psychiatrics

Me: yes it was directed at you, because you are being an idiot. you don’t listen, you think you know best when it comes to autistics – even those who actually live autistic reality. comes directly from your neurotypical privilege and it is ignorant, abusive and offensive.

when neurotypicals speak on neurodifferent issues, they are not speaking for us. they are speaking for their understanding of neurodifferent issues and they are speaking from inside their privilege. they cannot speak for us. it does not matter how well-meaning, well-informed/well-educated or sensitive they are – they are not qualified to speak on neurodifferent issues. that they do, despite their inherent incompetence, is nothing but them using their neurotypical privilege. any organization or educational body that is not run by or directed by neurodifferent people is automatically dominating the neurodifferent narrative are and violating neurodifferent people and their lives. even the frigging psychiatrists.

Neurotypical PhD: I don’t know what’s best for Autistics. .. my children are not autistic.. myself is not either. Not once did I claim to know that I knew Autistics. .. what I do know is mothering given my experience of being a mother of 5… I also know there isn’t much support in Ontario for Parents of Autistic children as I have MANY friends who’s children are autistic . And that concerns me ….. as I feel they deserve support and life skill on how to deal with their children and not just prescriptions. (my emphasis)

this is where i really lost it – how to deal with their children – as if autistic children are some sort of psychological baggage or walking situational crisis… or juvenile delinquent that needs ‘dealing with’… it is sickening, and the worst part of it that she doesn’t realize what she is saying to us – the autistics in the thread – or that it comes from inside her neurotypical privilege. she is clueless. she is trying, but she is clueless.

Me: yes, you know people with autistic children. but you are not listening to [OP] – how about neurotypicals reach out to US, the autistic adults and ask us how to raise autistic children? but you dont, you complain, whine and go on about how hard it is, but not even when the solution is right in front of you do you avail yourself. why? because of neurotypical privilege. you are stuck in ‘autistics-are-lesser-people’ mode and are incapable of understanding that we – the autistics – are the real experts, not the government, not the neurotypical psychiatrists, doctors, nurses, not even the parents. have you [Neurotypical PhD], reached out to even one autistic run organization and asked for information about what is available to neurotypical parents in terms of learning about and acquiring skills to raise their children without abusing them?

Neurotypical PhD: 1st I don’t complain or whine … I man up and deal with shit.. so clumping folks is not correct .
Yes I have reached out for friends to organizations that specialize in Autistics …. Autism Ontario and Geneva center …. and autism does not directly effect me but I care enough too

oh. she cares. but apparently not enough shut up and check her frigging privilege, language and prejudices. it is like what someone said earlier in the thread “The worst part is you’ll leave this thread thinking you were in the right the whole time, when you could have learned something.” nope she will not have learned anything. she will enter the next discussion just as clueless and arrogant and sure that she knows better than autistics.

Me: ‘you’ in the first part of my post was a ‘general you’ – and yes, clumping is correct, because there are 90 of ‘you’ and 10 of ‘us’ in any given demographic at any given time.

the number of neurotypical parents that actually are aware of how their autistic children function and how to handle situations when they arise, are from what i have gathered from various groups and pages i am in and on, are just about 5 in 90.

it is common sense that you do not drag your child across the floor or the pavement – if this had been a neurotypical child, child services would have been called pronto – if not the police. but that did not happen. yeah, she was yelled at on the internet. got her picture in the paper. that was it.

1. she could have just sat down with him – no autistic child has melt-downs for no reason, so find out what triggers them and find ways to minimize the risk of exposure to triggers.
2. she could have just held him – if i can hold my 200lb wife when she is in a melt-down so she wont hurt herself and until she calms down, then a parent can hold a 4-year old.
3. she could have called for help.

parenting is common sense. there is no need to abuse a child, and no excuse to do it either.

(i am of the opinion that as soon as a child is diagnosed with ASD it should be removed from their neurotypical parents and fostered/adopted by autistic parents. but that i cannot say that i think – because that would be horrible to the neurotypical parents…)