social rules are bogus. every NT (neurotypical) claims their existence. and they can enumerate them down to the last period. nobody follows them. not really. especially not if they can come up with an excuse not to do so. they always can. they will always punish an ND (neurodifferent)for failing to follow them. either by ignoring the rules when they interact with you, but demanding that you follow them or by changing the rules when they interact with you, so that you end up violating the rules no matter what.
this was a great mystery to me. the truth is that there are two sets of rules – one set that is basically ‘on paper’ (though they have never been written down) which they demand we NDs follow and one set which changes from day to day, situation to situation, person to person, all at the discretion of the NTs.
they demand that we admit to being wrong, but rarely or never do so themselves. and then accuse us of being weak and cowardly for admitting to be wrong and apologize.
they demand we be courteous and civil, but rarely or never are so themselves. and then accuse us of being ass-lickers and manipulative when we are courteous and civil.
they demand that we ‘read between the lines’, but rarely or never do so themselves. and then accuse us of assuming things when we ‘read between the lines’.
they demand that we be consistent, but rarely or never are so themselves. and then accuse us of being rigid and inflexible when we are consistent.
they demand that we adapt and adjust to their society, but have no problem excluding us as ‘mentally deranged’ on a daily basis. and then they accuse us of not wanting to ‘assimilate’.
they demand that we accept their excuses for not complying with the social rules, but they rarely or never do so themselves. and then they berate us for using our disability as an excuse for not complying with their social rules.
the more i read and learn about adhd and as, the more i agree with people in the deaf community about segregating and creating a culture apart from ‘normals’.
I find social rules to be complex and ambiguous. My Friend Judy tells me that it is important to leave people feeling good… that it is not so much what you say but how you make people feel.
This is still confusing to me as people I encounter tell me that I affect their lives, that I seem to have answers that they need and solutions to their problems and issues.
However they never seem to perpetuate the contact even after I have helped them according to them.
However often when I help people it is that I am honest about their condition, what they are experiencing and so much more.
This often does not leave them feeling good but helps them to solve their problems or issues as I tend to simplify or reduce complex issues to basic principles and this involves honesty, not lieing, not deluding or obfuscating issues.
I wonder if I need to start charging for this service as I often never hear from them till years later and they tell me that I have changed the course of their lives and then I don’t hear from them till the next crisis.
I do not think I will ever get these social rules.
Sometimes I think it is more about dressing nicely and smiling at everything.
that is actually pretty much it. there really are no social rules that we could ever learn, because neurotypicals change the rules as they go, and never in our favor.
you cannot win the social game.
you don’t need to “leave people feeling good”, their feelings are not your responsibility. really.